Meowy The Meower

 

Somewhere on AOL lies the story of Meowy, a cat who meowed too loudly and once too often one day. When a fed-up neighbor throws a shoe at him to shut him up, Meowy is CATapulted into another dimension...

Suddenly...

A dog came out of nowhere, with a devious look on his face, he started to tell him he was in the middle of a war, but he was speaking in Meowy's voice. Meowy ran at him, ready to whack the whiskers off the dog who stole his voice. When he was about 3 feet away he jumped full speed, maximum claw length when something very strange happened...

He opened his mouth and... he barked! Okay, he figured that made sense. But then he noticed that it sounded strange, not like a normal bark at all. It was almost as if he was barking in slow motion.

Then it dawned on Meowy that he had time to ponder all of this because he really wasn't going anywhere. In fact, he seemed to be suspended in midair.

Just then, out of nowhere appeared a strange creature with a white face and blue ears. "I am Nappy," it announced imperiously...

"Otherwise known as Felinus Caninus, but you may call me Sir." The creature's flinty eyes glinted in the direction of the dog, who was now bowing in reverence to the being. "I see you have met my faithful servant Roscoe."

"What do you want with me?" Meowy woofed.

"The beings at the top of the food chain in your universe have announced their displeasure with you and the others who have been sent here. Until cats and dogs can all exist together in peace, this land will remain a battlefield." Then it heaved what seemed to be a sigh. "It's been a looooong ten million years..."

Then just as suddenly as it had appeared, the being was gone.

Meowy felt a jolt and landed on the ground with a resounding THUMP! He tried in vain to shield himself from what seemed to be hundreds of similarly jolted animals crashing to the ground around him. Indeed, it was raining cats and dogs.

As the chaos was dying down, Meowy heard a familiar sound-- his own hissing voice.

"Now..." the dog snarled. "Where were we?"

As the canine started slowly to advance on our hero, Meowy tried not to yelp. "Look, uh, Roscoe, can't we just talk this over? Like maybe over some Gravy Train or something?" Gravy Train?!?

"Saucer of milk! Saucer of milk!"

Meowy heard a poochy voice in his ear. "You get used to it." Meowy looked over and his eyes beheld the most beautiful gray Persian he had ever seen in all his nine lives.

"Hey, Roscoe!" she barked. (Okay, everybody's got some faults, thought Meowy, forgetting his own similar affliction.) "Fetch!" She sighed at the fleeing figure of Meowy.

"Hey, wait! I didn't mean you!" Meowy turned around and realized that the gray Persian was talking to him.

"Um, hi," Meowy said shyly.

"Hello," the gray Persian said. "My name's Silver, and you?"

Meowy hesitated for a minute, not sure whether to trust this stranger. Silver said warmly,"It's OK...I won't hurt you ."

"OK..." Meowy said,"I'm Meowy. Nice to meet you Silver."

"Nice to meet you, too, Meowy," Silver's eyes now showed the same warmth as her voice.

They were interrupted by a somehow familiar buzzing sound. Hearing this, Roscoe and all the other dogs ran in the direction of the heavenly noise. Both Silver and Meowy were tempted to follow it as well, but didn't.

Meowy was confused at these conflicting feelings, but Silver's luminous green/gold eyes were just sad.

"What-- " asked Meowy.

"Can opener."

"Which reminds me," woofed Silver, "You must be hungry. Come with me. And we must hurry. The Rottweilers come out soon."

"You know, I am pretty hungry," admitted Meowy. "I could eat anything-- oh," he sighed.

"I wish I could say you get used to that as well." Then the exquisite creature's mood brightened, clearly by force of will. "But you'll have enough time for that..."

"Right now," continued Silver, "I will take you to my shelter. It's safe enough there. Of course, it might take some time to adjust to the neighbors..."

As they walked, Meowy thought, I know I can get used to that voice. I'll bet she had a beautiful purr at one time. He couldn't imagine this incredible creature-- how did that Nappy Sir character put it?-- 'displeasing' anyone, she was so gentle and sweet. Meowy was always in some kind of hot water (ugghh!) with somebody or another at home, except for Danny.

Soon the pair arrived at their destination. Meowy was amazed... He didn't really know what he'd been expecting in this strange place. For all he knew, the way things seemed to go here, there could have been bones scattered (or was it buried?) all over the place, cedar dog bed, who knew what? But this-- this was quite simply the most beautiful den he'd ever set foot in.

(Of course, Meowy lived in Danny's room. Five year old boys were a lot of fun, but they weren't known for neatness.)

Silver's shelter, as she called it, was all cushions and carpet done in soft colors, and the aroma of catnip filled the air. Meowy still had enough of his feline instincts about him that he appreciated the scent. He snapped to attention when he realized that his gorgeous hostess was speaking to him.

"... and Kibbles And Bits, but if you'd prefer something richer, I also have Alpo..."

(Okay, so the food's not quite what he's used to. But for some reason, it sounds absolutely delicious. Of course, he hasn't eaten in hours.)

Part of Meowy wanted to say that he would have preferred tuna or salmon, but he was surprised to find that it really didn't matter to him. As Silver pushed the food towards him, he woofed, "Are there humans here?" "No," she replied, "Not that I know of. Of course, sometimes that's a blessing." Was it Meowy's imagination, or was there a haunted look in those green-gold eyes? "But-- all of this--" he gestured his striped paw towards the furnishings-- "the food-- where does it come from? That Nappy character?"

Silver shook her beautiful gray head. "No, I really don't think Nappy is responsible for it. He calls himself the 'Watcher', which means he really doesn't get involved unless it amuses him to do so.

"As for the food," she continued, "sometimes we hunt. That's one thing we cats and dogs do have in common. But as for this--" she indicated the fare before them-- "I don't think even Brother Elvis knows..."

"Brother Elvis?" asked Meowy,"Who's he?"

"Well..." Silver explained,"...he keeps his eye on us, and helps us when we're in trouble."

"Then why isn't he here now? I'm all confused," Meowy sighed.

"No need to be confused," Silver replied, "You see, every few months Brother Elvis goes on a little trip to make sure all his other friends are okay. He isn't usually gone too long. In fact he SHOULD be back tomorrow."

"I hope so," Meowy said," Maybe he can help us cats get our meows back & the dogs get their barks back."

Silver sighed. "He's tried, or at least I think he's tried. Sometimes I don't know whether he wants to go home. The trouble is, I don't know myself."

"Why? Are you scared to go home?" Meowy thought of little Danny, who would probably wake up in the morning and not find him sprawled on top of the Legos. No cushion in the world could be a match for those Legos. She absentmindedly chewed her paw. "It's a long story. Are you sure you want to hear it?"

But before Meowy could answer, he heard a great scuffling noise outside, then what sounded like a major catfight. Apart from the hissing, spitting, growling, and yowling, Meowy caught the sound of a puppy's pitiful whimper. Before he could react, Silver had already raced outside.

"MUFFIN!!!"

Meowy ran after her to find, in the midst of a pack of angry German Shepherds, a very small, very frightened fluffy orange kitten. He heard Silver growl, "Okay, boys, so that's the way you want to play? Then try me on for size."

As the dogs' attention was diverted, she then called out, "Muffin! Run!" The largest (and, to Meowy's eyes), and the meanest, of the dogs started towards Silver...

Before he had time to think about it, Meowy leapt into action, landing, claws extended, on the back of the giant German Shepherd. The massive canine turned his head and snapped in vain at his attacker. Then seemingly out of nowhere came two other cats and a beagle to join in the fray. The fur was flying...

Meowy noticed that the beagle wasn't being of much use to the other dogs. In fact, he was running between their long legs and tripping them. One of the German Shepherds was about to jump the little dog when Silver barked, "Bagel! Watch your back!" His attention diverted by this tableau, Meowy was unaware that one of the other canines was headed straight for him...

Just then, one of the cats, a white tom with large black markings leapt into the air and did something Meowy had never seen any animal do, cat or dog.

"EEEEE--YAH!"

The cat twisted in midair and caught the Shepherd in the face with his back leg, causing the dog to fall backwards onto the others, which in turn made all of them topple like dominoes... then the other cat, a blonde tabby, started to hum. She sounded just like a can opener. The dogs fell for it. Bagel started to go with them, but Silver and Muffin stopped him.

"Oh, yeah," the beagle meowed. Then he turned to the tabby and said, "You know, you're getting pretty good at that."

Meowy looked at the tomcat who had performed the amazing feat and asked, "How did you ever learn to do that?"

"Patches is the name, Daddy-O," the tom said smoothly. "I don't believe we've been introduced. And this," he indicated the blonde tabby, "is my old lady Tawny."

"I'm only three, honey."

"I'm Meowy. So how did you learn to do that trick?" The tomcat licked his paw.

"Nice to meet you, Howie."

"It's Meowy."

"Anyway, Howie, I used to watch the cats on the street back home. Man, could they fight! Those cats were fast as lightning!

"In fact, it was a little bit frightening..."

It was clear that Patches was just warming up for a story that Tawny must have heard a million times or so. "... but they fought with expert timing!"

"Here he goes," Silver laughed. "Get him to talking about the old days, and he'll just go on forever."

"... there was funky Billy Chin, and little Sammy Chong-- " Bagel looked over and saw bared teeth, then heard the threatening growl.

Roscoe.

He called out, "Here comes the big boss!"

Patches was up to the challenge.

"Let's get it on!"

But clearly, the brave Patches wasn't Roscoe's main focus. He narrowed his flinty eyes, which glowed red, at Bagel. "You."

"Well, ah, now, let's not be hasty here, okay, dude?" the little beagle meowed at the advancing Roscoe. "You wouldn't wanna bite me or nothin'. I haven't had all my shots. Rabies, you know. Foaming at the mouth, eventual insanity and all that jazz?"

The hound was unmoved. "You honestly think I would be concerned with that? Enough chitchat. I will avenge the fair Camellia."

Meowy turned to Silver. "Who's Camellia?" he whispered.

"Cocker Spaniel. Cute, for a dog. Roscoe's got it in for Bagel because she went out with him, and he's a cat sympathizer to boot. Camellia won't have anything to do with Roscoe."

"Can't say as I blame her."

Patches stepped in. "Girls, cover Bagel Boy at the front while Howie and me jump him from behind."

"It's Meowy."

Our heroes quickly assumed their positions as the snarling Roscoe started to make his move towards the seemingly helpless Bagel. As they launched their respective attacks, they were suddenly motionless...

Unable to move, they were startled to see a menacing figure move towards them...seemingly floating in midair. As the figure approached, a great roar was heard that seemed to fill every inch of space and time. Roscoe's heart started racing faster, but he was powerless to move away from this threatening form. Meowy just smiled to himself for he knew who the ghostlike entity was.........

Nappy.

Or Felinus Caninus, or Sir, whatever.

"Roscoe," the creature addressed the fawning hound. "Come. You are needed." Meowy looked over at Roscoe, who was blindly obeying the entity. Or was he?

Was it Meowy's imagination, or did Roscoe almost seem reluctant to do this thing's bidding?

As Roscoe followed the Nappy being, he suspected one thing. The key to getting home lay with Roscoe. Meowy just hoped that little Danny would understand about the barking thing. And, if Meowy played his cards right, about Silver.

As Roscoe disappeared with the enigmatic Nappy, our heroes ducked and dodged the usual deluge of falling cats and dogs.

"Like, what say we head over to my crib and regroup?" asked Patches.

Actually, Meowy would have preferred at that moment to return to the beautiful Silver's shelter and speak to her alone, but he held his tongue and fell into step with his new companions.

"We still have some of those Scooby snacks, right babe?"

Tawny turned to the understandably confused Meowy and explained, "They're liver snaps. Patches' human is addicted to cable TV."

"Ah, liver," purred Bagel. "One of the greatest bridges I know to the chasm between our species."

Huh? The dog sounded normal just a little while ago, thought Meowy.

Silver laughed. "Can you tell Bagel's human is a college professor?" Meowy wasn't sure what that was, but he figured poor Bagel must have been confused all the time back home.

"I know," Bagel chuckled as the little group reached its destination. "Every now and then it just kinda slips out."

"I like it," little Muffin commented. "It makes you sound real smart."

"Really smart," Bagel gently corrected the adorable orange kitten. "Uh, oops— !"

As they settled in at Patches' and Tawny’s cluttered shelter ("If I’ve told him once, I’ve told him a thousand times," the Tabby had apologized.), Meowy addressed Bagel. "So what’s your story, anyway? How did you end up here?" Meowy couldn’t imagine this mild mannered creature ticking anybody off.

The beagle sighed...

"Well, you see, it's like this. It's been just me and Dave-- that's my human-- for most of my life except for that time I spent at the pet shop. But Dave met this lady and got married a while back.

"Marigold-- that's the new wife-- has had it in for me from day one. And boy, I gotta say that woman's got the foulest mouth on her when Dave's not around.

"Well, first she said she had allergies and then the whole thing just snowballed from there."

"So what happened?" asked Tawny, who hadn't heard Bagel's story either.

The beagle sighed again at his rapt audience.

"Now, I've never had indigestion in my whole life.

"So, why, oh why must they always blame the dog?!?

Those assembled shook their heads in sympathy, for, dog or cat, all had faced this very same problem.

(Unfortunately, in Patches' case, it happened to be true.)

Meowy noticed that Silver seemed to be deep in thought.

"Silver," he gently woofed, "how did you get sent here?"

The gray Persian was carefully studying her paw. After what seemed like an eternity, she decided to confide in her friends.

"Like you," she said to Bagel, "I started out in a pet shop as well. One day, a woman came in asking for a Persian to compete in cat shows."

What's that? wondered Patches, who was busily munching a liver snap. The black-and-white tom figured he must have missed that show on Nick At Nite.

"She took me home," continued Silver, "and gave me the best of everything. The most expensive food, a diamond collar, professional grooming, everything."

Grooming, thought Meowy. I'll bet that includes baths with water. That woman was evil.

"One day, she got a call from the people from the cat show saying there was some sort of problem with my papers..."

"What was the problem?" asked Tawny, who was busy nudging Patches to stop scratching himself in front of company.

"It had to do with my pedigree."

Pedigree, Bagel thought wistfully. I used to love that stuff-- before.

"You see," Silver explained, "it turns out I'm not a purebred."

She paused for a moment. "They found out I was part Tabby."

"And just what's wrong with THAT?!?" Meowy and Tawny indignantly demanded.

"Nothing," Silver said in that soft doggy voice. Meowy was really starting to warm up to that woof of hers after all. "But the humans who run these Persian shows only want purebred cats, so I just didn't fit in."

Patches was confused. Some of the biggest animal stars on TV were like mutts or something. He decided when he and Tawny got home, they'd never watch that Persian Show. "So how'd you get here?"

"Later that day, the woman I lived with took off my collar and tags, put me in the car and drove for a while, then she opened the door and let me out. The next thing I knew, I was here."

The little group was speechless. No woof or meow was heard for a while, then Meowy finally spoke.

"Don't worry, Silver, when we get home, you're coming to live with me. I know the family won't mind, and Danny's gonna love you. And maybe you can work with me. I'm the neighborhood singer, and if I do say so myself..."

Just then, from a distance, came the most tortured sound that five of the six had ever heard...

"... Well I'm as free-ee as a bird now, and this bird you cannot chay-ay-aynge...!"

"WHAT IN THE HECK IS THAT?!?" exclaimed Tawny.

Muffin moved closer to Bagel. "I'm scared," she said in a still, quiet voice.

Patches looked out into the distance. "It's Roscoe! What's he doing out there?!?"

"The question is, what has Nappy done to him now?" asked Silver.

"If he still had a dog's voice, I'd say he was baying at the moon," observed Bagel, who was comforting the trembling orange kitten. "But I've gotta say, I've never heard anything like that before."

Meowy was curiously silent. It was true, he still had some work to do on that number...

On into the night rang the piteous feline howls.

"I can imagine she is a runner, if she has to listen to that all the time," Tawny dryly remarked in reference to poor Roscoe's latest number.

Patches nudged Meowy, who was lost in fond memories of home. "Say, Howie, what say we go put a stop to that so we can all get some shut-eye?"

"Meowy." Our hero was privately amused, for back home he was showered with gifts during his concerts. Why, the last thing Meowy remembered before he was sent to this place was an appreciative fan throwing him a gift. The fact that he really didn't need a shoe, having paws, was beside the point. It was the thought that counted, after all...

"I'll tell a story," Bagel said suddenly, "since we seem to have this time on our hands. This is the story of Jessie, a Bassett Hound in the neighborhood where I live.

"Everyone in the neighborhood knew that Jessie liked to hang out in the middle of the street and the humans in the cars knew her, so they always tried to avoid her. She was so friendly, they didn't really mind stopping to let her pass. But one day, somebody couldn't avoid hitting her, though one hopes they tried. Her back legs were useless, so her owners had to make the decision whether to put her to sleep."

The animals were silent again. Somehow, someway, this war between their species must end...

"Well," Tawny woofed a little nervously as Roscoe's meowls continued to ring through the night, "I have a story, too, since we might as well pass the time. And this one might just cheer us up a little."

The animals all agreed that a little cheer was in order, especially since four Irish Wolfhounds had decided to join Roscoe and at that moment the canines seemed to want it that way.

"This is the story of Spanky, a fluffy black and white cat who was beloved by all in her family, and she loved them all in return except for the human who had brought her home. Him she delighted in torturing, when she wasn't out hunting armadillos."

"What's an armadillo?" asked little Muffin.

The blonde tabby thought for a moment, then answered honestly, "I'm not really sure, sweetie. But I do know that Spanky actually gave one a heart attack once.

"Anyway, one day the family discovered the body of a cat that looked like their Spanky...

Muffin looked horrified. "Like, this is supposed to cheer us up, babe?" interrupted Patches.

"Two days passed," Tawny went on, ignoring her mate, "and the family, even the father she delighted in harassing, was heartbroken.

"On the third day, the father came up the driveway and encountered who else but Spanky returning from her latest armadillo hunt, blissfully unaware of the family's mourning.

" 'I swear,' he ran in the house and exclaimed, 'that cat is determined to drive me out of my mind! Now she's haunting me!' "

Later (much later) that night, the beautiful Silver and Meowy had finally returned to Silver's shelter. Settling himself on a cushion, Meowy yawned, then woofed, "You know, I've never realized just how much we cats and dogs do have in common. So why do we go on like this? It seems to me that if all of us could just put our heads together, we could find a way to get home."

"So it would seem," Silver enigmatically replied. "But tomorrow, I'll take you to the main cat arena. Brother Elvis is due back, and he may have some news for us."

"You mentioned this Brother Elvis cat before. What's his story?"

She laughed. "I don't really know, but he's very wise. Half the time I don't really have a clue what he's barking about, but it sure sounds really good!

"Anyway, he's been gone for quite a while now. He does that from time to time, helping other cats here. Sometimes he disappears for such a long time, we start thinking he's dead."

Meowy stretched. "Sounds interesting. Can't wait to see him."

His hostess looked slightly dubious. "That is, if he shows up this time. He's cancelled at the last minute the past four times. Anyway, there's something else I have to warn you about.

"Things here aren't always as they appear. So far, you've only met the nice cats. Trust me, not all of the animals were sent here without good reason... "

"I don't get what you mean," said Meowy.

"Sometimes the cats here can confuse you. I think I prefer the ones that are just outright mean to your face. But others will pretend they're your friends, then stab you in the tail when you least expect it. Those are the ones that I suspect want this war to continue."

Meowy's green eyes grew wide. "Whoa," he commented. He thought that getting home to little Danny might be harder than he imagined. After meeting the gang, especially Bagel, Meowy thought this would be a snap.

"You'll see when we get to the arena. Believe me, the humans don't call us cats for nothing."

Silver paused, then continued, "About the dogs, I really can't say. You'd think," she laughed, "that having some of our instincts would put a stop to some of that drooling."

"HEY!" ...

The next evening, Meowy, Silver, Patches, and Tawny, with the adorable orange kitten Muffin in tow, made their way to the massive and newly constructed Feline Center.

"A bit much, isn't it?" asked Meowy as he spotted the arena in the distance.

"I gotta say, Howie, I totally concur, man," agreed Patches. "I don't see what was wrong with the old place."

Silver shook her gorgeous head. "Except that it was on the wrong side, at least for some cats' taste."

As they walked towards the arena, the sight of a huge Maine Coon caught Meowy's eye. Somehow, in his paws he was bearing a sign with the message: FEED JAKE.

"That's so sad," Meowy commented. "Is this a problem here?"

"Only for Jake. Don't worry, though," Tawny assured him. "He's the mayor here, so someone will cave in."

"Like, I just wanna know how he made the sign," said Patches.

But it was quickly apparent that poor Jake was not the only cat they would encounter on their way...

To Meowy, the two felines appeared to be friendly enough. One, a Himalayan, greeted him with "Hi! You're new here, aren't you? I'm Frankie. That's because of my blue eyes, you know."

Frankie's companion, a calico, woofed in sweetly. "He has the most incredible blue eyes, doesn't he?"

Silver was nudging Meowy, whispering, 'No! No!' but he couldn't help himself. "Hi, I'm Meowy. Nice to meet both of you."

The calico's fur suddenly stood on end. "Excuse me, you just insulted Frankie! Just who do you think you are???"

"What?" Meowy asked in a shaky woof.

"Let me tell you a thing or two, kittycat. Frankie has the most beautiful blue eyes in any universe!"

Silver managed to stop our hero from responding. "It's not important. Let it go. If they did start being friendly to you, they'd just act as if you didn't exist later." Brightening, she added, "Besides, we'd better get to the arena. Brother Elvis should be here soon... "

The quintet made its way down the red carpet to the impressive Feline Center. Jake the mayor, having finally wheedled a tidbit or two from the arriving guests (This was fortunate, because the Maine Coon was down to only about twenty pounds or so, and he needed to keep up his delicate figure), took his place at the podium.

Meowy, Silver, Tawny, Patches, and little Muffin were able to settle in near the front. Tawny nudged Meowy and mentioned, "You should be forewarned. Brother Elvis tends to go on a bit."

Then, Muffin excitedly exclaimed, "DADDY!"

Meowy looked up at the podium to see an adult version of the fluffy orange kitten. Brother Elvis had arrived.

"Where's Mom?" he whispered to Patches.

"Like, she's still back home, I think," the black and white tom woofed back softly. "Muffin hangs out with me and the old lady when Brother E takes off."

"I heard that," said Tawny.

"Hush, cats," Silver cautioned. "Brother Elvis is about to say something about the war."

The great orange cat paused for a moment, then began to speak in the authoritative tones of a Great Dane.

"When the world and I were young, just yesterday... "

Brother Elvis' oratory was suddenly interrupted by--

"MEEE--YOOOWCH!"

Meowy and the others looked over to a corner of the Feline Center to see the figure of Roscoe shooting up into the air, screaming in Meowy's voice at the top of his lungs. Although the gorgeous Persian Silver thought privately that it was difficult to discern whether Roscoe was serenading the crowd or actually in agony, since smoke seemed to be coming from his canine backside, the latter appeared to be the case.

From the podium, Brother Elvis was unconcerned.

"Well, that was the hot seat."

"SPY!" a canine voice yelled from the crowd. "GET HIM!"

The great orange cat motioned for silence. "No," he said, "All are welcome in this place. If our friend wishes to be here, then we should respect that."

"I dunno, Howie," Patches whispered. "I think Brother E might be off this time. I smell a rat-- augh! I used to just love those!"

"Meowy. But maybe we could work this to our advantage."

"How so?" asked Tawny.

"I think I know what you're getting at," Silver observed. "Might be risky, though."

Meowy was still pondering. He truly didn't want any harm to come to his new friend Bagel...

"... It was easy then," Brother Elvis was saying from the podium, "to know what was fair, when to keep and when to share... "

"I told you he liked to go on and on," Tawny whispered to Meowy, quietly so that little Muffin could not hear. It wouldn't have mattered anyway, for the adorable orange kitten knew her father only too well.

"But today," he continued, "there is no day or night. Today, there is no dark or light and today there is no black or white..."

Wait a minute, thought Meowy. He looked over at Roscoe, who was standing on account of his still-sore backside. Of course! He's barking in code!

Roscoe gave a warning glance back over at Meowy, only for a fleeting moment, but it was enough. Meowy kept his expression as emotionless as he could muster, so that he appeared, like the others in the crowd, to be fighting sleep. Poor Muffin was already there.

So if Roscoe isn't the enemy, wondered Meowy, then who is???

"... who to love and who to hate; the foolish from the wise... " Brother Elvis was finally wrapping up his lengthy oratory, seemingly oblivious to the canine (which in a different place and time should have been feline) snores of his once-rapt audience. If the great orange cat was offended by the mass slumber, he wasn't showing it.

"... only shades of gray... "

That is, except for Meowy and Roscoe, and, it seemed, one more, who clearly didn't get the drift. Then all of the cats were suddenly awakened by a strange piercing sound that signaled the end of Brother Elvis' lecture.

Meowy's new friends stretched and yawned, not at all startled by the noise. "What the heck was THAT???" he barked.

Patches shook his furry head. "One 'a them whistles only dogs can hear, Howie."

"It's Meowy-- oh, forget it!" he sighed good-naturedly.

"Okay, Howie, like whatever."

"You want me to WHAT?!?" exclaimed Bagel.

The group had convened at Silver's shelter, and the little beagle was gaping at Meowy as though our hero had lost his feline mind.

"What's wrong with that?" Meowy asked innocently. "You're a dog, aren't you?"

Bagel sighed. "It's not that, but Roscoe would tear me apart if I showed up there. It's hard enough for me to see Camellia without him sticking that hounddog nose into everything. The only way we got any time together today was because he was spying on you cats."

"Is that the only thing you have against him?" asked Silver.

"Well, yeah, that and the fact that he's always hanging out with that Nappy character. Now there's something I don't get. If Nappy has all this power, then why doesn't he stop this war between the dogs and the cats himself?"

"Like, good question, Pooch," observed the black-and-white tomcat Patches. "It's like he doesn't want it to end..."

"That's certainly true," woofed the blonde tabby Tawny, who was yet again nudging the errant Patches to stop scratching himself in the company of others. "This thing could go on forever."

"What started it, I wonder?" pondered the gorgeous Persian Silver.

Bagel looked thoughtful. "I'm not sure," he meowed, "but there's a rumor that it all had to do with some character called Chad. Whether he's cat or dog, I couldn't say. Dogs and cats on both sides are confused."

"Frustrating, to say the least," Tawny agreed. "But a cat can't help wishing it was all over and we could go home already."

Just then, a familiar looking cat burst in, followed by a pack of other felines, some looking as though they wished they were somewhere else.

"There she is!" the drab, almost colorless cat imperiously announced, forcefully gesturing her paw at Tawny. "There's the cat that has been threatening my life!"

"Wh-what?" Tawny asked shakily. Patches stopped her.

"Like, no, babe, don't fall for it!" The blonde tabby was momentarily subdued as, behind the intruder, The Himalayan known as Frankie was saying, "Nobody cares. Nobody's listening." But nobody behind the cat was leaving, either.

"What now?" Meowy tried to ask Silver, but he looked over to see her crouched into position, ready to spring. A low growl emanated from the gray Persian.

"Enough," she growled, then roared, "I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"

The catfight was on. As the fur began to fly, Meowy was stunned to hear a feline hiss that had clearly not come from Bagel.

The cat with the bland appearance had turned into-- a dog...

Then, just as suddenly, she turned into a cat once more. Meowy looked to see if any of the others had noticed, which was a mistake on his part, for the cat called Frankie had taken advantage of what clearly was some sort of tactic to divert Meowy's attention from the battle. He quickly sprang into action, leaping into the air and clipping Meowy on the ear.

"EEE--YAH!" Patches seemingly flew across the shelter and knocked Frankie down, then pinned the Himalayan to the ground, clawing at Frankie's face.

"Not my face! My beautiful face!"

"Oh, you can dish it out, but you can't take it, eh?"

"NO!" Silver exclaimed. "I didn't mean it! Please stop, all of you!"

"I agree," woofed Tawny. "How can we ever hope to end this war if we cats can't even get along ourselves?"

"But you cats started it," whined Frankie.

"Who CARES who started it?!?" barked Meowy. "By the way, thanks, man," he said to Patches.

"Hey, like what would you do without me, Howie?"

"I shudder to think."

"Now I see what you mean," the beagle called Bagel was saying after the dust had cleared. "I guess it is up to me, isn't it?"

"You're not alone," Silver woofed softly.

"That's right," agreed the black and white tomcat Patches. "Besides, Howie and me will be there to cover you, right, Howie?"

"We will?-- I mean, of course we will... "

"This wasn't exactly what I had in mind," Meowy was whispering to Patches as they were (hopefully) skulking unnoticed into the canine community.

"Like, I figured that, Howie. But we all kinda owe our lives to that dog. He's just a little guy, and between you and me, I just don't trust that Camellia chick he and that Roscoe character have been stuck on."

"Oh," woofed Meowy. "Why didn't you let the girls in on this, then? Don't females have some sort of instinct when it comes to things like that?"

Patches replied with what sounded like a laugh. "Trust me, they're not far behind us, man. Tawny doesn't think I can even catch a mouse the right way... "

"They'll never know we followed them," Tawny was woofing to Silver. "You know Patches and his big mouth sometimes. We don't need Roscoe and his hounds getting the jump on them."

Silver sighed softly. "And what then? What exactly do I go home to?"

"Faith, little kitty. Faith... "

The beagle called Bagel tread gingerly into the canine camp. What am I sneaking for? the little dog wondered, but he couldn't help it. He didn't really have anything against that Roscoe, but did the hound have to be so, well, huge? Not to mention jealous.

All was quiet here on this night, but Bagel knew that soon he would hear loud feline voices not far from here. For no matter how much like cats the dogs had become, there is one instinct inherent in a canine that no feline influence would ever erase.

Meowy was trying to get a look inside the place known as the Pup Tent. "What are those dogs doing in there?"

Patches shook his tuxedo head. "Man, you don't know anything about dogs, do you, Howie?"

"Okay, no. So what are they doing?"

"They're playing poker, man."

"ARE YOU LOCO?!?" demanded the Chihuahua as Bagel entered the Pup Tent. "If Roscoe comes in and catches you here, you're like muerte!"

"I know, I know," meowed the beagle. "But maybe we should finally talk it out. If we don't settle this, we'll never be able to figure out a way to get home. Don't you want to go home? And well, bark again?"

"Well, yeah, sure. I miss mi familia. I just wish they hadn't named me Fajita. Makes me nervous, you know?"

"So, deal me in. And I think I've figured out a way to make old Roscoe tell us what exactly goes on with his pal Nappy."

Fajita shook his head. "You still on that kick? You been hanging out with those gatos too long." The little Chihuahua paused when he spotted something in Bagel's collar. "What the heck is that?!?"

"Catnip, mi amigo. Catnip..."

"Whoa!" meowed Fajita. "Muy extrano! But it sure smells bueno. Can I have some of that?"

"No WAY! But I know what you mean. That Meowy cat had to put it in the back so I wouldn't be tempted. But oh-- ! It's killin' me!"

"This Howie hombre... he's cool?"

"Uh, it's Meowy. Yeah, I think so. He also thinks Roscoe's not so bad for some reason. Go figure."

Outside, Meowy asked Patches, "So, I forgot to ask. Is Roscoe like the leader here? You know, like Brother Elvis?"

"Like, no way, Howie. You should see that guy. What a total snob! This ain't where he hangs out. I hear they play Bridge or Cribbage or somethin' over at his place. You have to prove you're like purebred, as Silver would say... "

"Uh, Patches, half those dogs in there look purebred to me," Meowy woofed in confusion.

"No doubt, Howie." The black-and-white tom's expression was wry. "I failed to mention that the dogs have to be real impressed with the leader's superior brain."

"Does he have a superior brain?"

Patches snorted. "No. Like he just knows a lot of big words! Hey, heads up! Roscoe just went in! I wonder how catnip affects a dog, anyway? I mean if they're not like used to it and all."

Uh oh, thought Meowy. That hadn't occurred to him. Soon there might not be anything left of poor Bagel and his buddy Fajita. Weren't dogs violent by nature? And after all, war wasn't exactly a calming situation.

The cats waited nervously for a sign, ready to strike. Then, they saw three figures emerge, feline voices ringing through the night, one in particular yowling above the rest.

"Later on, if ya wanna, we can dress like Madonna..."

Holy cats! thought Patches. Those dogs are like looped to the snout!

Outside the Pup Tent, four pairs of cat eyes were staring in amazement. "I don't think I've seen anything quite like this before," observed the gray Persian Silver.

"I'm not sure I wanted to see it now," retorted Tawny.

"That Chihuahua doesn't really have all that much of a bon bon to shake, does he?" asked Silver. "I give him an 'A' for effort, though."

"...After all I did for that company," meowed Fajita. "Kissed off sin so much as a taco."

The hound Roscoe shook his huge head. "Flame is feeting, mi amigo," he wisely observed.

"Hey, maybe if we got enough catnip, we could end this war without any violence," Meowy woofed hopefully.

"You seem to be forgetting something," answered Silver. "If catnip affects us all differently, and doesn't affect some of us at all..."

"Oh. Yeah... shoot."

"You know," purred the beagle known as Bagel to Roscoe between numbers, "you don't seem to have bad breath to me."

"What?!? Where'd you hear that? Wait a minute..." he thought aloud. "And you don't seem to have a problem with gas. Hmmm... "

"I think the light's like beginning to dawn here, cats," whispered Patches.

"Mujeres," sighed Fajita. "The path to de-strucshun, amigos."

Bagel and Roscoe were confused. "Hey, wait a minute. Don't you have a mate and three puppies at home?"

"I didn't say I didn't enjoy the ride!"

"You know, I'll bet I know where she is," said Bagel, trying to focus his eyes.

"Me, too," Roscoe agreed. "Let's go down there and make her face the music!"

I'm gonna-- WALK LIKE A MAN, FAST AS I CAN-- !!!

"Oh, must we?" sighed Meowy as the kitty quartet prepared to follow the threesome.

"I just wish they'd do it silently," the blonde tabby Tawny remarked.

"Hey... !"

"All right, men," the hound announced to his two companions, "Let us enter this place and confront this defiler of canine manhood!"

Roscoe did always have a way with words, Bagel mused. If only he didn't still look so, well, imposing, especially to a dog under the influence of catnip, since there seemed to be three of him now. "Uh, Roscoe, shouldn't we, you know, sneak in or something? We'll never get in that way."

"Nonsense!" Roscoe thundered. (In the shadows, Meowy was impressed. He never knew his voice could do that.) "We shall enter the way we have every right to. Through the front! Onward!"

These were indeed brave words, for to even enter the Kennel Klub, a dog had to prove his or her absolutely pure lineage, and our Roscoe's was, well, pure as the driven snow. Driven through by a monster truck.

A shudder went through Meowy. Whether it was fear or some sort of excited anticipation, he could not fathom. For some reason he knew that they were all headed for the final confrontation...

Inside the hallowed halls of the Kennel Klub, the Irish Setter had taken the floor. The four cats couldn't help but weep inside for poor Bagel and Roscoe, for at the grand dog's side was none other than the Cocker Spaniel Camellia, hanging on his every dulcet-toned meow. For all of the canines' bravado, their hearts had to be breaking.

"... and His Heavenly Host Sir Llewellyn Jameson Cuddles begs to differ: it is this canine's opinion that the current controversy within the ranks is well justified and must continue to be addressed, for to ignore it is to be a mere yes-dog... "

"Who's this Sir guy?" Meowy whispered to Patches. "And what is that dog talking about?"

"Like, him. He always talks about himself that way. These dogs have been going on and on about this stupid fight they've been having like forever now."

"What's the fight about?"

"They basically can't stand each other," Tawny put in. "I can't say as I blame them. But they all stick together anyway, because for them it's better than having to deal with regular dogs."

Camellia added her two kibbles' worth. "I do not agree with this His Heavenly Host Sir Llewellyn Jameson Cuddles. The His Heavenly Host Sir Llewellyn Jameson Cuddles I privately confer with offers concise and sensitive analysis on many pertinent issues, and that is the dog I admire. I... "

The cats were getting dizzy. Poor Fajita was getting nauseous, and not simply due to the catnip. To think that when the Chihuahua had first arrived here, he had tried to make friends with these creatures...

It was then that Meowy had noticed something strange. Silver had unwittingly stepped out of the shadows and into plain view of the dogs in the Kennel Klub, in fact, their leader, Sir Whatsis, was looking straight at her. But he clearly did not see her. He nudged Patches, who carefully stepped into the dogs' line of vision. Nothing. Then Patches let out a bark, which also went unnoticed.

They don't see us!

But unfortunately, though she was trying to pretend she didn't, Camellia did see Bagel and Roscoe. So did her obnoxious boyfriend.

"How dare you enter this facility?" the Irish Setter demanded of Roscoe. It was apparent that he did not acknowledge Bagel at all. "You, who consort with the meddler Nappy. You, who are nothing but a mere mixed breed hound."

Which was too much for the catnip-influenced Fajita to resist. "AN' YOU AIN' NO FRIEND OF MINE!" he loudly meowed.

A low growl emanated from the canine crowd. The Chihuahua had dared to make a mockery of the serious proceedings. One of the dogs prepared to attack...

"EEE--YAH!"

"Patches! NO!"

Meowy and Silver stopped the blonde tabby Tawny in time. "It's okay," Silver assured her. "They can't see or hear us here for some reason."

And sure enough, to all but three of the dogs, the Doberman in question seemed to fly across the Kennel Club for no reason at all. Bagel, Fajita, and Roscoe were momentarily confused, but caught on quickly.

"That means... " woofed Tawny.

"You got it, sister!" replied Silver. "Let's get our claws into that pooch for giving us women a bad name!"

The cats clearly had the advantage. Once more, the fur was soon flying, with all but three of the dogs fighting an invisible enemy. But unfortunately for the beagle called Bagel, Sir Llewellyn noticed that he was laughing at his blind flailing. The Irish Setter became even more incensed, for no dog had the right to laugh at His Heavenly Host Sir Llewellyn Jameson Cuddles.

Meowy, who had jumped on the dog's back, placed his two gray and black striped paws over the canine's eyes. Frustrated, Meowy's victim began to snarl.

Like-- a dog...

The change was fleeting, but it was there. Suddenly Meowy remembered -- the calico cat! That was what had been bugging him.

Then that cat who had burst into Silver's shelter, who had transformed into a dog. It was all beginning to make sense...

But our heroes were soon faced with another problem, for though the members of the exclusive Kennel Klub were fighting unseen enemies, the noise was attracting other dogs from the canine camp. And Meowy was willing to bet that these would not be at the same disadvantage...

.. and they weren't. As paws flew and claws found their targets, Meowy tried to reach Roscoe, who was trying to rescue a rather fetching Golden Retriever from the overeager clutches of Tawny.

But as this was happening, "Sir Lewellyn" made a crucial error in both the eyes of Roscoe and Bagel AND the cats. As he was trying to shake off Patches, the Cocker Spaniel Camellia had managed to make it over to assist him. Before she could, the mighty dog thrust out his massive paw and sent her flying into the air, knocking her against the opposite wall. And it was clearly intentional...

"EEE--YAH!"

"Huh?" asked Patches in amazement. For the animal who had delivered the amazing kick was not the black and white tom.

"Whoa, Patch, he does that better than you," noted Meowy.

"Patch? Uh, yeah, Howie, I guess the pup's learned a few things from the master."

"Cover him!" meowed Roscoe.

Then something amazing happened. Not only had our other six heroes joined the beagle named Bagel against the dog, but so, it seemed, had every animal in that strange land, even the enigmatic and detached Brother Elvis.

It was the Chihuahua Fajita who noticed it first. "Ay Caramba!" he exclaimed, his eyes wide in amazement.

For the creature was changing before them, first into the colorless cat, then into the calico, then into --

"Holy cats!"

At first, the animals, even the all-knowing Brother Elvis, could not turn their eyes away from the spectacle before them.

The creature looked as though it might have once been human, but some cruel twist of fate had transformed it into some sick mockery of that species.

But instead of being ashamed, it was clearly delighted at the horrified reaction of the onlookers, strutting and posing with unconcealed pride. The beautiful Persian Silver had opened her mouth to bark, but before she could utter a sound, the Himalayan called Frankie, summoning every ounce of will he possessed, turned and began to walk away from the obscene spectacle.

The other animals turned their collective attention to his silent, retreating form. Then, in one united body, they followed him out of the Kennel Klub, ignoring the creature's increasing pleas for attention.

And they did not look back...

Outside, the animals began to confer at the central watering hole. But instead of hashing over what had just occurred as one might expect, there was a much more important issue at hand.

"So," asked Bagel. "What do we do now? How do we find a way to get home?"

The animals, even the dogs, all turned to Brother Elvis. But the great feline did not speak. He merely nodded at Meowy. Meowy gulped audibly. Me? he thought. But then he found his voice, or rather, Roscoe's voice.

"Roscoe," he barked, "can you call that Nappy character?" The animals all sprung hopefully to attention. "No, not THAT way!" he warned, crushing the group's hopes for a good old fashioned rumble. "That's what keeps us here in the first place!"

The hound sighed, looking deep in thought. "I can try-- Oh, Great One! Please heed our call!"

(Patches privately thought that was rather cheesy.)

Everyone had joined in the call, but after what seemed like an eternity had passed, there was no response. Just when they were about to give up, a message appeared.

'A request to the host has taken longer than expected. Please press okay to acknowledge this message. If the problem continues, please report...'

"Now we'll never get home!" yelped the blonde tabby Tawny in despair.

"We will, babe," her mate assured her. "Somehow..."

"That's IT!" Roscoe cried out in frustration. "I've had enough! It's in our natures to fight! So what?!?"

"Roscoe," Meowy began, but the hound was beyond reason now.

"NO!" he meowed. Tell me, what gives them the right?!? Like the humans know any better?!? NO! I want to go home!"

He became increasingly louder and more defiant, and as he continued to shout to the empty sky, something began to happen.

He barked! And then, as if by magic, all of the voices at long last returned to their original owners. The next thing Meowy knew...

The morning sun was filtering through the window of little Danny's room. Meowy blinked himself awake, batting the usual stray Lego as he stretched luxuriously.

Like a cat.

And as he and Danny padded into the living room, they saw that Danny's mother was watching a television commercial. "This week's pet on Gotta Have A Home is this beautiful gray Persian that was found -- can you believe it? -- abandoned on the highway. As you can see, she's such a loving little creature. She'd make a good pet for..."

Danny's mother smiled. "What do you think, sweetie? I've always wanted a Persian..."